EAR Statements are similar to active listening and reflective listening, but they go one step beyond, showing that you heard clearly. They show that that you give the other person your empathy, attention, and respect. This giving of yourself often strengthens your connection with the other person, yet it doesn't have to be deep or complicated.
It often helps to practice giving an EAR Statement before a difficult conversation. Role-play an upcoming situation with a friend to get comfortable saying the words you want to use.
Setting Limits With an EAR Statement
One of the best situations to use EAR Statements is when you have to set limits at work, home, or elsewhere. You can say something like this:
“You may not realize it, but when you do _______, you may offend some people. I can understand that this may feel frustrating [empathy] and I respect your good intent [respect]. So you may want to do _______, instead. Of course, it’s up to you. I just want to help. What do you think?” [attention]
You can give this kind of EAR Statement to a 6-year-old child, a 40-year-old coworker, or a romantic partner. If you are around someone who is being offensive, this can be a simple statement rather than a major confrontation. It’s a way to avoid triggering intense defensiveness, which blocks any chance of the person changing their ways. It’s a simple alternative to saying nothing when someone is acting badly around you.
Last Thoughts
EAR Statements are one of the easiest ways to calm a conflict, help someone who is feeling down, or strengthen a relationship. They can be as easy as a sentence, or a longer statement that shows all three qualities: empathy, attention, and respect.
They can often help when dealing with someone with a narcissistic personality disorder or borderline personality disorder, who may be frequently upset or engage in personal attacks.
EAR Statements often have a calming effect and help make better communication and problem-solving possible.
References
For more information and over twenty sample conversations with EAR Statements, see the book: Calming Upset People with EAR: How Statements Showing Empathy, Attention and Respect Can Quickly Defuse a Conflict (2021).